Keeping The Love You Find. Part Two

If you are a subscriber you have already read part one of this post. If not, have a look at  “Keeping the Love you Find, part one”. If you would like to subscribe just click the link on the right top corner of the front page.

Lets start from the beginning, in chapter 2 Harville Hendrix points out that ”the combination of love and marriage is a phenomenon of very recent history and it’s a volatile mix”.  No kidding! In times past “Marriages were arranged, wives were bought or traded”;  “Marriages were typically passionless, but stable; their primary agenda was the continuity of the family and community, the perpetuation of property rights”. If there happened to be romantic love involved connected with the marriage partner, it was purely accidental. “It wasn’t until the late 18th century with the emergence of Democracy in America and the destruction of the monarchy system in England and France that brought them the idea that the individual could decide for themselves”. “For the first time in history, the energy of attraction between men and women was directed into and contained within the structure of marriage.” No wonder we  are struggling, we haven’t mastered this yet!

“With the recognition of individual rights came a belief that  human beings were inherently rational, could make logical choices and were in total control of their destiny”, yeah right!  I think we have proven that this is not always the case. “Sigmund Freud discovered that underneath our apparent but illusionary rationality was a sea of chaotic instincts that influenced and undermined our choices”. “He realized that choices made on the basis of logic were in fact swayed by emotion and unconscious directives”. As I said, no wonder we are struggling. Thus we have the transition from stable passionless marriages  and affairs to passionate volatile marriages, affairs and divorce. GEEEZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

Hartville states that “however careful our checklist, what is going on in mate selection is not LOVE, but NEED. Love, if it appears at all, appears in marriage as a result of our commitment to healing our partner”. So  apparently the heart of the matter is our “free” choice of a mate is in fact a product of our conscious trying to heal the wounds of our childhood.  We  all know that we are drawn to a partner with the  right “chemistry” and that is apparently our unconscious attraction to someone who will meet our particular emotional needs. We are trying to use them to fill our emotional needs left by our parents or childhood.   No wonder we are all messed up!

Harville refers to this “buried parental image The IMAGO and when we get an imago match that chemical reaction occurs and love ignites”.  We feel alive,whole and  confident that we have met the person who will make everything all right. Unfortunately since we have almost certainly have chosen someone with the same negative traits as well as positive traits as our parents, chances are we will have a similar outcome. In fact, “most people who have had serial relationships report that despite their best intentions they manage to find the same problems each time around”. What Imago Therapy does is help us learn how to fix the problems in the relationship, (heal the wounds) so that we can keep the partner, when this happens true love grows. (Sounds like a much better option to me.)

Sound like an interesting option instead of the relationship roller coaster, stay tuned while I continue to forage through this book or  better yet, pick up your own copy. “Keeping the Love you Find” by Harville  Hendrix Ph.D.

www.match-works.com

Keeping the Love you find. Part one.

 If you are a subscriber, you know that recently I started reading a book called “Keeping the Love you Find” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.  He is  also the New York Times Bestselling author of “Getting the Love You Want” and “Giving the Love that Heals”. It seems to be taking me quite awhile to read and actually comprehend the book, no surprise here given the title. 

This was the first post about this book  http://vancouverdating.match-works.com/index.php/2009/10/07/you-can-be-right-or-you-can-be-in-a-relationship/

Here’s what I have learned so far. This book is not written for couples only, it is geared  to help singles too.   Harville states that “it is not your fault if you have not found lasting love, but it is your responsibility to do what needs to be done to find it”.   He says that ” it is not something to feel bad about, it’s something to understand and do something constructive about .” He also points out  that it is  important for us to accept  responsibility for what is happening in our lives and  that we need to grow from within if we wish to grow and mature in this area.

Harville  writes  ”if you are serious about having a full and lasting love relationship, you have to get serious about being single”.  There are essentially four things you must do to  prepare yourself before your partner comes along.

1. Educate yourself about relationships

2. Educate yourself about yourself

3. Train yourself in the skills of relationships

4. Do what you can to change the behaviours and character defenses that are stopping you from keeping the love that you find

He swears that it is “your mission as a single person” and that “if you do this you will have no problem finding a mate and in all likelihood that mate will be more able to make a commitment and less likely to frustrate you than the person you will pick or who will pick you before you do your homework”. Okay now you’re talking about something that I can understand, or least want to . 

He suggests that you step back from the mate search for now and by that he does not mean that you shouldn’t date, or live with someone. On the contrary he states that current relationships are ideal training ground for the real thing. But postpone marriage until you get your singlehood right this time, “becoming a conscious single is the preparation for the journey of marriage”.

Harville makes a very good point in Chapter 2 that “we have bought the idea that unhappy people should not have to stay in unhappy marriages”.  “We have given credence to the idea that when trouble comes you should just change partners, when the truth is that the way that you are living with that person must be changed”.  ” Rather than getting rid of the partner and keeping the problem you should get rid of the  problem so that you can keep the partner”.  HMMM he may just have something here!

“Divorce may allow people to escape bad marriages, but until we take steps to ensure good marriages, to facilitate individual happiness and fulfillment, until we learn what we are about, we will continue to have desperate singles, joyless marriages, troubled children and a society more dysfunctional by the decade“.

Ok I want to stop this pattern, guess that means I will have to continue to forage through this book. Stay tuned. The journey has just begun.   

www.match-works.com

Today’s gonna be a great day!

During The Oprah Show’s 24th season kickoff party, Harpo staff and more than 20,000 people pulled off a massive surprise for an unsuspecting Oprah. The entire crowd performed a choreographed piece to the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling,” and Oprah was not only shocked, she was thrilled! Award-winning director Michael Gracey says the interaction between the Black Eyed Peas and the crowd is what made the flash mob so extraordinary. ”There’s something really special when you take an audience and instead of just being passive and watching, you invite them to participate,” he says. “That’s why it was so magical for both parties. Two groups of people came together to create something that neither of them could have done alone.”

 

I happened to be home feeling a little under the weather watching Oprah the day of her kickoff party and  I must admit that watching this  “flash mob” made me drag my sorry butt off my couch and I found myself dancing around my living room. (Those people who know me won’t find this hard to belive as I am a dancing fool, but I was  seriously not feeling well ). Play it and see if it motivates you to get up and start moving, if at the very least I can guarantee it will bring a smile to your face. Oprah was unaware that her staff had organized this” flash mob”  for her kickoff and her reaction was true joy.

Oprah’s Kickoff Party Dance

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090908-tows-flash-mob-dance

 

My point of showing this to you today is that during the fall and winter we all tend to be a little less jubilant than normal. I have to admit that I have been struggling with my energy level lately. Normally I am bouncing around like the people in the video, but not so much in the last few weeks. Trying to pinpoint it has been difficult. Yes, I have been under a little stress lately, but when aren’t we all?

Depression tends to be rampant during the fall and winter season, partly because we don’t get enough sunshine, partly because we feel trapped indoors because of the weather. So it is even more important for us to take care of ourselves doing this time. As a matchmaker I notice that singles tend to want to nest during this time as it is much nicer to have someone to cuddle up with when you are stuck indoors. As comfortable as we may  think we are at being single, it can really challenge the best of us.

Today Oprah was talking about how happy and energized this “flash mob” had made her and  she realized that it was because we  rarely ever get to see so many people being so happy at the same time. The feeling and the energy was infectious and the people who had participated said the experience was incredible. One man referred to it as a life changing moment, feeling  the energy from all those people actively jumping around and dancing was true bliss.

Having the Black Eyed Peas and the entire audience actively participate created a magical moment. My point here (and I do have one) is  that without everyone’s participation it would not have been the same experience, but  as much as this “flash mob” took everyone to make it happen, it all started with one person deciding to create it. 

I realize that we all have days that we are not at our best but it all starts with us. Grab a friend, get an umbrella, get outdoors, socialize, visit family, but don’t stay inside feeling sorry for yourself,  get busy! If that doesn’t work, you can call me, you know where to find me. Today’s gonna be a great Day! I gotta feeling!  Whoo hoo

www.match-works.com

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A Remarkable Man, yes they do exist.

As most of you know, I am a personal Matchmaker, so I  am constantly asking my  female clients what they are looking for in a man.   The list of the characteristics and qualities preferred is usually long and can appear quite challenging at times. I am often asked if there are any good men in Vancouver and I have to be honest, it can be a real challenge to find them sometimes. 

This weekend I attended a friends memorial for her dearly departed father (George Maria  pre=”">Halpert or otherwise known as Jerzy Maria Krysztof  Karol Halpert-Scanderberg) ). Rarely have I heard or observed such an outpouring of love, admiration and respect for anyone. My dear friend (Wanda) and her siblings ( Helen, Mary, George and Mark), other family members and friends  shared their favourite memories of this humble but extremely memorable man and I could not help but be jealous. I am  not really sure if it was because I would have liked to have had a father like him or a husband.  (I would have been blessed either way.) Somehow George had every characteristic that I  have ever been asked for in a man. I was so moved by the comments about George that I just had to share a little about this remarkable man.

Jerzy or George was born in Poland in 1918 and attended High School in Warsaw. He was raised  in an extremely cultured family, where he learned to appreciate the arts and how to be a gentleman. After making his way through the French Underground in England in 1940 he entered the services of the Polish Forces abroad where he served as First Lieutenant  as a paratrooper and earned the Cross of Valour, (George said he was just doing his duty).  After WWII he immigrated to Canada,  met and married his beloved Rubena and  together they raised their 5 children in Vancouver. George never complained and provided well for his family working  as an accountant and served at his local church as treasurer. (Again, he said he was just doing his duty)

When his children were  asked about growing up with this man, they remembered him as always gentle, always smiling, always a kind word (for everyone), always willing to tell a joke ( he loved his Readers Digest jokes) and always loving. They remembered how he would come home from work tired from the day and lie on the floor and all his children would tumble around with him playfully. He  was passionate about keeping active and could often be found swimming in the ocean and hiking the North Shore Mountains.  He truly loved life.

Every man who spoke at the service said that George was  the one man that they should all aspire to be like. He was strong and brave, a real man`s man,  yet gentle, caring, kind with a great sense of humour and a undaunting  positive attitude. He loved his wife and his family unconditionally and never questioned how he should behave. He believed that was what a man should do. What more could you ask for!

He loved to entertain, dance  and celebrate life and together with his wife Ruby, they had many parties and dinners with friends and family. Last year I was invited to his 91st birthday, I would have never guessed how old he was, he was truly charming and still very handsome.  

He adored his wife and when she became ill,  he was always by her side, with a caring word and a gentle touch. After Ruby`s passing he went to live in a care home, where even the nurses had nothing but kind things to say about this gentleman. He had style, he had grace and he brought so much joy to so many people. As I watched all his loved ones and friends teary eyed, happily sharing their treasured moments,  I realized that they all knew they had been blessed to have been touched by this remarkable man. Even the Officiating Pastor remarked at the measure of this man and  he stressed that every one of us, no matter what stage of our life, no matter what we have done up to this day, can still finish as strong as George lived his entire life. I know that I barely knew this man but I am so happy to know  that men like him exist or existed.  Honestly if George was watching from up above, (as I believe he was) he should be so proud to have heard all the wonderful things said about him.  I hope that when I die, people will remember me so fondly. What more could you aspire to.

Rest in Peace George, You certainly did you duty and your family and friends are  forever grateful!

Please don`t tell me that there are no more men like George or I may have to jump off the bridge.  I know my two sons are very much like him, but then I am prejudiced, I raised them. If all men were  like George I would have no problem finding matches for all my female clients. I am a hopeless romantic and do believe  that there are many more men out their like George and as I tell my  female clients  and as Michael Buble’ so aptly puts it  “I just haven`t met you yet“.

PS. Please contact me if you think you are  anything like George and are single, I have some incredible women who would love to meet you!

www.match-works.com

Respect! We all deserve it, including our loved ones!

RESPECT- (to feel or show esteem, deference, or honour to, refrain from violating, treat with consideration)  

We all deserve and want to be treated with RESPECT  right?  What about our partners or loved ones? Why is it some people think that  they are entitled to talk to their loved ones anyway that they like?  I grew up in a totally disrespectful family and I am not going to ever allow that again. I learned a long time ago that it was my responsibility to let people know my boundaries. I do not let others treat me with disrespect anymore, at least not for long.

When someone disrespects us the first time it is their fault, but  by the second time it is our responsibility to let them know that we don’t appreciate it. If they still continue and we let it go, then it is our fault, because we are now affirming that this behaviour is acceptable.We cannot change the way people think, they will behave the way the choose to, but it is up to us to stop them from hurting us by not accepting bad behaviour. If you continue accepting their disrespectful behaviour ”because you love them and don’t want to risk losing them”, the end result is that they will eventually lose all respect for you and probably leave anyways. But by that time they will have shaken your self esteem so much that will be difficult for you to move forward. It becomes a vicious cycle.

What is disrespect from a partner? Has your partner ever called you stupid, useless, fat, an idiot, swore at you or called you any other derogatory name, that is disrespect! It is bad enough when they belittle you on your own, It is even more disrespectful when they do it in front of others. I have confronted people who’s partners treated them this way and they actually told me, “oh it’s okay they don’t mean it, it’s just teasing”. Really, then why would they say it? We all know when people are “Teasing” there usually is a degree of truth in everything they say. It’s not funny to make a joke at someone else’s expense constantly and especially if they are your partner or loved one. Your partner should be the one that loves and honours you, not kicks you around verbally or physically. Have you ever treated a partner like this? Why, did it make you feel good to degrade them?

What about punching, hitting, slapping or physically hurting your partner in any way. Every one of you women just said “no way, men should never hit you”, but what about the men? Do you think it is acceptable to physically hurt your male counterpart? Some of you are saying “oh it’s okay, he can take it, it’s only light punches, slaps, it’s just kidding around, I am just a little woman”, no it is not acceptable.  It is not right for him to hit you and it is not right for you to hit him. Period! It is disrespectful. Years ago, I remember punching a man who I was dating (in the arm), while kidding around, because he was teasing me about something.  He grabbed my hand and said “don’t ever hit me again, I will never hit you and I don’t deserve to  be hit either”. Although he scared the heck out of me, he was dead right. I never thought about it, I was just thinking that  it was acceptable behaviour because I had seen other people do it.

We all have own definition of  what is comfortable when wrestling or fooling around, but if someone hits, punches or slaps you enough that you yelp or cry out, that is too hard. It is your responsibility to then ask them to stop and if they don’t stop, that is disrespect. You do have the right to tell a loved one, friend or family member that you don’t like it and you want it to stop.  

Love and respect should go hand and hand, we all want it and deserve it, so start by nurturing the ones you love, not beating them up verbally or physically. If you don’t, you may find that  one day you don’t have them to kick around anymore.  If we wish to keep our loved ones around and happy, wouldn’t our time be better spent telling them all the wonderful things that we do love about them rather than focusing on the negative. If you are so miserable that you can’t say a nice word maybe you should look within, because I will bet that it all starts there.

BE NICE TO EACH OTHER, there are enough bad things in the world to hurt us, our home should be our sanctuary.  

PS. As well, we must all lead by example. A child learns by example, so if you are disrespecting your husband or wife in front of your children they will learn it is acceptable behaviour.  If you let it continue you are also teaching them that it is okay. Be a good teacher! We all have to be responsible for our own behaviour.

www.match-works.com

The trick is not to find the right partner, but to be the right partner.

 I was doing a little research today and found this interesting link, about Imago Therapy. http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/individuals

“Imago is based on the best-seller “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD, who co-founded Imago Relationships International together with his partner, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD.
Imago weaves together leading psychological theories and practical observations on the experience of love into an approach to relationships that is both compelling and easy to understand.
Imago Relationship theory explains why the differences which lead to frustrations are actually a natural part of what originally attracted you to each other. Using insights from brain studies and major psychological research, we can help you look at the story of your relationship in a fresh way.”

 

As well as “Getting the Love you Want” There is a book dedicated just to singles, called “Keeping the Love you Find” .  I have located the book and will be writing a post about it  after reading  it but meanwhile; 

Here is a little insight into Imago therapy.

 An Imago Therapist  Might Say

 

“99% of couple trouble comes from not being 100% present.” You need to really listen to your partner, so that it is safe for them to tell you what they need. In being 100% present to them, and in meeting their needs, you benefit at least as much as they do.

“You can be right, or you can be in relationship – take your pick.” Being right will not get you or your partner what you both want and need.

“Conflict is growth trying to happen.” If it’s not uncomfortable and unfamiliar, you are not growing.

“Criticism is self-abuse.” When you criticise your partner you are criticising a disowned or lost part of yourself.

“The trick is not to find the right partner, but to be the right partner.” There is not one Mr or Ms Right, there are many, and your success will overwhelmingly depend on your own state of mind and actions.

“Love is blind and marriage is the cure.” Romantic love gets you together with someone with whom you can grow. The real work starts when the romance turns to a power struggle.

“You would rather live in a predictable hell than have a taste of heaven and lose it.” It feels safer to stay with what you know rather than risk getting what you want.

“In a patriarchal society, the good relationships are the ones in which the men allow themselves to be influenced by their partners.” This is not so much about which car to buy, or what to wear … but how to be intimate.

“For a healthy relationship, touch and laugh together every day.” Share actions that jiggle your innards, like laughing, high-energy fun, and orgasm, to bring you closer to your partner.

“Any behaviour that you judge to be crazy is just a child trying to tell you how they feel.” Listen to the child. What do they need to feel safe, accepted, and appreciated by you?

“Both partners in a relationship are the problem, and both are the solution.” You are each 100% responsible for the system you have created through your unconscious collusion.

“You are wounded¹ in relationship so you need to heal in relationship (with an Imago match).” You fall in love with people who give you the greatest chances to give up your unproductive adaptations and reclaim your true self.

“What you have now is what you are committed to.” Ask yourself what you get out of remaining in conflict and disconnection.

“Lower your defences so that your partner can become an ally rather than an enemy.” Disclose your vulnerability and invoke your partner’s cuteness receptors. This works so much better than trying to punish them into compliance.

“Most of your partner’s complaints about you have some basis in reality.” They aren’t necessarily crazy or always trying to hurt you! They can help you to see how your responses are frozen in the past.

“Most of your complaints about your partner are statements about your unmet needs.” You chose your partner because they can’t naturally meet your deeper needs.

“The only legitimate powers you have in a relationship are to ask your partner for what you need, and to change your own behaviour to meet their needs.” You have no right to punish them for not loving you right (they are doing the best they can with who they are).

“The best way for you to take care of yourself is to take care of your partner.” Selfishness might get you what you want, but it won’t get you what you need.

“You can’t walk in another’s shoes if yours are still on.” Kick off your shoes, relax, listen … it’s not all about you, and you don’t have to fight back.

“Conflict only exists when one or both partners are feeling misunderstood.” If you want your partner to understand you, first do everything you can to understand them and let them know that you do.

“To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.”[Robert Brault]

Got you interested, stay tuned! I will write the follow up shortly.  

www.match-works.com

Have faith, I just (haven’t met you yet).

 If you are over the age of 30 and single  you have  probably had your heart broken at least once, if not many times. At the ripe old age of 53 I have had it broken more times than I care to count. As someone who has looked at all angles of  a breakup it,  even if you were the one that ended the relationship or they did or both of you, it still hurts.  I have a dear male friend who has said to me , “If I was a woman I would never talk to men” and he  is continually shocked that  I am still the eternal optimist.  Why do I still believe in Love and Romance and that there truly is someone out there for everyone. Maybe it is just because I am too stubborn or stupid to give up hoping or maybe because the alternative is just too sad and I always want to believe the best in people. Does it mean that I have been taken advantage for it, yes! Does it mean that I have trusted people that I probably shouldn’t have, yes! Does it mean that I am going to build a wall around me so that no one can get in, NO! Because then I would be just like those people that have hurt me, because they were afraid of getting hurt. (I have done it before and I can tell you  from first had experience the result is not worth it, no one wins.)

I have polled alot of singles, men and women and they have all told me  about someone that ran from them because they felt like things were getting to close. People why would you run from something that has such wonderful potential? Love is and can be so wonderful and amazing but you have to welcome it in, not fear it.  There is a reason that so many songs, movies and poems have been written about it. Because when two people open their hearts completely and allow themselves the opportunity to truly fall in love, there is no feeling that can compare.  But you both have to be brave and be willing to open yourself up completely in order for love to flourish. I know that it can be scary, there are no guarantees in life. If you are continually convinced that  love will end with a broken heart, then you will manifest exactly that.  Can you remember how it felt as a teenager, when you first fell in love and you had no fear, god I wish that everyone could be that open and trusting, always.  

Michael Buble’ has an incredible  new song,  ( haven’t met you Yet) and it talks about exactly that, having faith.  His song is about believing  in love and having faith that there is someone out there for him, no matter how many times he has had his heart broken. Just as I believe there is someone out there  for all of us. It is so incredibly hard to find someone out there that is compatible with us, that makes our heart pound, that literally can take out breath away, some people have never felt that.  How sad it is when that happens and some people panic and run for whatever reason, that they don’t even care to explore. All they know is something scared them, ( possibly past baggage) how about stopping for a second, slowing down a bit and looking at what may be causing that fear instead of cowering away. Life is so short, why would you throw away someone that makes your heart pound uncontrollably? No one is perfect, life is not perfect and relationships take considerable effort on both sides, but it is the only way to find  true lasting love. Love will never come gift wrapped without any obstacles, but if that is what you are expecting, no wonder you are disappointed. Alot of people have unrealistic expectations, believing that there will be someone out there that will so perfect for them that they will never have to work at it.  If you ask anyone who has been married for many years and is  relatively happy, they will tell you it took alot of effort on both sides. It takes patience, compassion, faith, trust, commitment and alot of persistence, especially when it might seem easier just to walk away.  Be brave and take that chance, I  believe anyone of us can attain true love, however, we do have to do the work, it is a labour of Love, Excuse the Pun! 

I believe, just like Michael that there truly is someone out there for all of us and I am willing to do the work to discover love and make it last.  I just have to find the right someone who is also brave enough to take that chance and make the effort. How about you, are you willing to take that chance? If you really do want to spend your life in fear, you can, but I choose to want to believe. Maybe, I just haven’t met you yet!

Please check out Michael Buble’s new wonderfully upbeat song  (haven’t met you yet)!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

PS (I am pretty sure that I saw our own local Erin Cebula dancing around in the street scene also, outside the grocery store). 

 Thanks Michael for helping us keep the faith! I think I heard that you are smitten recently, but  If you need any help you know where to reach me. :)

www.match-works.com 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Are you still carrying your baggage? revised!

When I first launched this site I wrote this blog but it is something that bears repeating. If you  have trouble moving forward in your life, please read this.

Before you are ready to look for that new love, please, please  remember that we need to make sure that we have taken care of our emotional  baggage and that we have taken down all those protective walls. I know you are panicking and saying but I will be too vulnerable. Sorry, but if we really want to have a successful relationship we have to be completely open and receptive. Unfortunately anyone over the age of 30 has  had their heart broken at one time or another and has had some type of baggage. The problem with unresolved baggage is that it holds us back from looking at another relationship openly and honestly. No one wants to or deserves to be painted with the same brush as our last partner or partners. We need to remember that it was that person or those specific partners that hurt and disappointed us, not all members of the opposite sex.  I have personally met so many people with enough baggage to sink a luxury liner. Some of us attract it more than others and I have looked at why I do and that is a whole other post.  :)  But speaking from past experience, it is so sad and painful to be on the receiving side of these assumptions, doubts and walls.  It is completely unfair to the new party to constantly be accused, questioned or judged  for someone else’s mistakes. Unfortunately, no matter how wonderful the rest of us may be, undealt with baggage will almost always kill a relationship?  Think about what you are drawn to in a new potential partner, is it their positive energy and their openness? How exciting and enticing, but you both have to be there. So if you asking why is there always a glitch, maybe look a little deeper.

I realize that some people bounce around like billiard balls on the relationship table, trying every pocket that is handy, hoping that one of them will be a perfect fit.  The truth is that if someone has hurt us deeply and our trust has been damaged, unless we deal with these issues they will come back to haunt us in every new relationship, no matter how perfect that person may be for us. So sorry, if you are trying to mend that broken heart with a new love it is probably not going to work, at least not for the long term.  The sad reality is that every one of us has to be responsible for our own happiness! Before we can look at a new person honestly and openly,  we have to be comfortable with our past and dare I say it, forgive them and ourself. Yes, every one of us has to look at what was our part, even if  we don’t think we had anything to do with it. There are always two participants in a failed relationship. Why did we let someone treat us like that?  Why did we behave that way?  We need to be emotionally healed, happy  and comfortable with ourself and not feel the need for someone to fill that hole. When we feel complete all by ourself and we choose to want to share our happiness with someone else, then we are at the right place.  Then and only then do we have a chance at a  happy lasting relationship. Relationships are a lot of work at the best of times, so you can imagine if we have  any jealousy, abandonment  or trust issues. Don’t you want the next relationship in your life to be  the one that lasts, the one that works for both of you?  I do believe that no one intentionally goes into a relationship planning on hurting their partner, but if we have not dealt with our issues it is inevitable. 

We have all seen the plagues that say LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HURT BEFORE. The only way that we can do that is if we have made peace with ourself and the people that  have hurt us. Sometimes the pain can date back to our childhood, from our parents or friends. No one wants to look at our part of a failed relationship, but it is necessary, if we eventually want a healthy happy relationship.

I know I have stated this many times before but please, please make sure that you are healthy and happy emotionally and that your potential partner is also there before you jump into any relationship. I am a hopeless romantic and I love being in Love but I do not  and I am sure that you don’t love going through a  unresolved baggage meat-grinder. (sorry but it is the best way to describe the feeling)  I wish I had an magic wand and I could heal everyone emotionally so that we would all start completely fresh and scar free, but that is not reality, our own happiness is really up to us.  We need to make sure all our bags are packed and on a bus heading out of town, before moving forward. Happy packing.

PS. To anyone that I have ever hurt, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!  It was never my intention! To anyone that has ever hurt me I FORGIVE YOU and I wish you the very best!

www.match-works.com

Happiness yours, mine and ours?

Last Sunday  was my birthday and it was so wonderful I just have to express how fortunate I am. I remember as a child (yes I can remember that far back ) thinking that  40 or 50 was soooooooooooo old. Now at this ripe old age I know that it is only a number and has no relevance about how I feel about myself. As a matter of fact, without a doubt I am much happier with myself and my life than I ever have been before. How on earth did that happen? “With age comes wisdom”  is a saying we have all heard before and now I know that it is true. I would not turn the clock back for all the smooth skin in the world.  Seriously, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and have way more confidence in myself and my abilities than ever before! I would have to say that the majority of time I am a pretty happy positive person  and for that I am grateful but there are moments……….

I know you are asking, how did that happen? Partly it comes from within, how  many times have I said ”we are  all responsible for our own happiness”. We cannot expect that someone else will make us happy, but people do affect us whether we want to admit it or not, we would not be human if they didn’t. This weekend was a big example of how people can affect our lives. As I said it was my birthday so maybe it added to the kindness that was bestowed upon me. But seriously if I was not loved and appreciated by my friends and family it would not have been the same. On Thursday my oldest son and his wife took time out his insanely busy schedule to come out and have lunch with me. I understand they have their own lives but I always  am grateful for any  time I get with  them. On Saturday night my girlfriends shared an evening with me, on mass we chatted like silly schoolgirls and  they ever so kindly put up with my excited babbling. An  unexpected friend dropped by and surprised me briefly which meant a whole lot to me as well.  On Sunday morning my youngest son came over and made me  a truly yummy breakfast and afterwards we strolled down to the Quay, parked ourselves in the sunshine and shared the crosswords,  like we used to when we lived together and  he showed me how to do the Sudoku puzzle (I was deeply touched).   I had a couple of surprise birthday e-mails from some old dear friends, an impromptu walk along the seawall with another and the day was rounded out by a considerate friend  and a truly lovely dinner out in the park . These may seem like everyday things but they are the moments that I treasure. 

The next day I had an incredibly busy productive day that included a much anticipated event that promised to be amazing.  For the first part it was, but unfortunately the ending was not quite what I thought it would be. I was completely blindsided and am still realing  from the aftermath. The long and the short is that  I understand that we are all responsible for our own happiness but something  or someone can very often take the wind out of your sails when you least expect it, especially when you have no guard up (which I didn’t). Maybe I am not so smart after all.

It does not take that much to please me and random acts of kindness never go unnoticed.  I don’t need a million dollars or the biggest house in the world, just the respect, love and appreciation of people that I are a part of my life.  I learned along time ago that if you want to have great friends you have to be one and if you want the love  and respect of your children you have to lead by example.  I try to do that in all areas of my life but I know that I struggle sometimes when I don’t always understand everyone’s different  opinions and thought process, but I do try to recognize that we are all unique and special in our own way. Just because they may think differently than we do does not mean that either one of us is right or wrong  we are just different and it is up to both parties to find a respectful co-existance.  I believe that if something or someone is important to you then together you should  make every effort to find a way to work things out.  It takes courage, respect, compassion,  patience, and tenderness but both parties have to be willing, one person can not do it by themselves. If you don’t then maybe it wasn’t that important after all.

www.match-works.com

Life is a Journey not a Destination!

How many of you have said,  ”My life will be perfect when I buy a new home, when I get this new job, when I scale this mountain, when I win the lottery” You get my drift. We have this image of what will make us happy but the truth is we have to be happy with  ourselves and our lives everyday, because Life is a Journey not a Destination. It is the  little things that happen in our day to day world that really is what life is all about.

When was the last time you sat down gave thanks and was actually grateful for all the small things in your life? Look at your day today, there must be something positive that you can say about the day. First off, you woke up this morning and you are alive, right. Okay that may be starting  from the basics but the alternative is not to be here at all. I have so many reasons to be grateful  and I do know how fortunate I am. I was not brought up with that frame of mind, as a matter of fact the opposite was true. But somewhere along the way I realized that it was up to me to be Happy.

Years ago I read the book “Happiness is a Choice” and it truly is. It all starts with you! You and only you are responsible for your own Happiness. We cannot look for someone else to make us Happy, it is something that we must find in ourselves. We also cannot blame anyone else for our own unhappiness, DARN it anyways. We all have days when we are swilling in our own pity party but thank god it is our choice to find our way out of it. “What I am responsible for my own crap”? It is the only way that you learn to move forward so that you can find that happiness. It is always much easier to blame others for our own unhappiness, but the people that truly are happy, (most of the time) realize that they are not perfect,  people are not perfect and not every day is perfect, but they choose to try to find the positive in every day, even when they are getting their butts kicked.

I have a great plague on my wall above my desk it says, ” If you Love the Life you Live…You will Live a Life of Love“.  It says it all!   I truly treasure the moments in every day. I love to walk the Seawall and every time I do it, I get something new out of it. I find myself absolutely recharged and relaxed by the exercise, the ocean has a calming yet invigorating  effect  on me,  feeling the ocean air and the breeze on my face refreshes and stimulates me physically and emotionally.  Why on earth would I not want to do something that is such a benefit to my well being? It costs me nothing but time and the rewards are amazing. I am grateful for every time that I get to enjoy it, this is part of  my journey.

My Children are grown and on their own, it took me  quite awhile to get use to the fact that they don’t need me anymore. I was a single mom so it was quite a contrast!  They used to consume all my time when I was not working and I loved every minute of it, but it was also exhausting. At first I missed seeing them every day and truthfully I wished we got to spend more time together, but they have their own lives, jobs and partners and I am so grateful for any time we do get to spend together. The reality is that now I have so much more time to do whatever it is that I want to do, including starting my own business last year. I now have the time to go hiking, biking, dancing,  going to movies ( yes, even European movies with subtitles)  or nothing at all, if that is what I want to do. My point is that I have treasured every moment then and now, it is all part of my journey and I am so fortunate.

There are people that come into your lives and stay for along time and some that stay only momentarily, the point is that we need to treasure them and our time with them all. I believe that people touch our lives for a reason, even if we sometimes don’t really know why. Remember not every meeting with someone is about you! Sometimes it is not our lesson!  INTERESTING! The first time I heard that I was a little overwhelmed, because suddenly so many things  made sense. I know you are saying but what about this crappy thing that happened, sit back and think about how strong  it made you or how your life evolved. Hopefully you learned something and grew along the way. Yes I know I have been called Pollyanna before and I am Okay with that, it is part of my journey.  :)

Try to savour all the special moments in each day and that does not mean only the incredible earth shattering moments but the little memorable ones.  Remember how good it feels to hear a loved ones voice, how good you feel when they smile that smile that lights up your life,  that sparkle in their eye is just for you. Every time your child looks up to you and hugs you and tells you that they love you, these are the moments on our journey that should be  treasured. Yesterday, someone special told me that I really savour life and I realized he was so right. I love to enjoy and truly savour every minute, with all my senses. It does not take the world to make me happy, little random acts of kindness impress the hell out of me, maybe because I did not start out that way.  I realize how fortunate I really am, I have a career that I love, wonderful children and so many dear friends that love me. I hope that  you can take some time when you read this and count your blessings, you will be surprised at all the amazing things that you have to be grateful for  if you just look at life with that point of view. How was your journey today? Maybe you need to slow down a bit and take a look around, you may be in the most amazing spot in your life, right this minute.  :)  Never say never , don`t put off till tomorrow something you really want  to do and keep your  heart and life open to unexpected twists and turns on your travels. You have no idea when you may get a pleasant surprise, it could be today, tomorrow!  Life is a Journey Not a Destination! Make yours memorable!

www.match-works.com